3 months ago

It's hard to believe that it has been three months since my last posting. I wish that I could fill you in, for there are things that needed to be shared. About two month ago, actually it was exactly five months (November 7) since Natalee had passed this life that I was hit with this insurmountable grief and I could not understand why I was going through more storms. Remember how I said that I felt I was off the boat and on solid ground? Well I discovered that this was only a temporary leave, and again I was forced to get on that stupid boat. (You have to understand, I don't like being on boats) so darn-it here we go again. My conclusion: I believe our mind can handle only so much when you lose a love one. So at first we went through shock and denial that helped buffer having too much grief all at once. So God gave us this brain that can monitor our grief a little at a time. I believe that at five months a window was opened and the reality hit stronger that my sweet Natalee is gone. With the emotions that I was going through, I just could not write.

I feel like I can finally breathe now that the holidays are behind us. Being our first Christmas without Nat was a very bitter-sweet experience, the sweet because all our children were home. The bitter I don't even need to explain. The best way to compare this about my friend who after giving birth to twins lost one at birth. I questioned her how she could deal with the two extreme contrasts. At moments she felt the joy of her living child and that would be erased feeling guilty because of her loss. When her sorrow was overcome with the loss of her child it was robbing her from enjoying the life that was still with her. I really related to that experience and find strong similarities. One special moment for me was when our family went to see "The Dawn Treader" it was an amazing experience for me. there were some lines in that movie that gave peace to my soul. Odd I cant remember the lines just the experience. So now I have to go back and take notes. Maybe I will share those thoughts later.

I was told that when a person looses a